Black Humor

 Page 11 of 41 (819 quotes in this category)
Without this great land of ours, we would all drown.

Professor Irwin Corey (comedian)




Once I tried to kill myself with bungee cord. I kept almost dying.

Stephen Wright




Sometimes I think the surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere is the fact that none of it has tried to contact us.

Calvin & Hobbes




Try to explain Hitler to a kid.

George Carlin




To the question "What do you tell people about yourself when you want to impress them?" "Hey I suck really good cock!"

Mike Patton (of Faith No More)




There Is No Gravity. The Earth Sucks.

Brett Easton Ellis, "The Rules of Attraction"




He who goes to sleep with itchy ass, wakes up with smelly finger.

Chinese Proverb, or something




Open-minded people must accept the possibility that being closed-minded is better. Close-minded people can take comfort in knowing that they are right.

Steve W.




Even very young children need to be informed about dying. Explain the concept of death very carefully to your child. This will make threatening him with it much more effective.

P.J. O'Rourke




If you ever see me getting beaten by the police, put down the video camera and come help me instead."

Bobcat Goldthwait




"Never underestimate the power of very stupid people in large groups."




If all else fails, immortality can always be assured by spectacular error.

John Kenneth Galbraith, printed in Money magazine the week after JFK Jr.'s death




Save a tree... Eat a beaver.




It matters not whether you win or lose; what matters whether I win or lose.




Laura, a good friend of mine, pointed out to me recently that half of humanity has an IQ of less than 100. Facts like that tend to draw things into sharp focus quickly. Keep it in mind. (mail and thank him)

Harvey Rowe




Mmm... caffeine pills. The midnight snack of champions.

Hawkeye Pierce




History repeats itself. It has to, no-one listens.




One time I was talking to a guy who thought that a Fruedian slip was something that his mother wore under her dress. I did not bother to correct him.

B. T. Slack




I've learned- that you cannot make someone love you. All you can do, is stalk them and hope they panic and give in.




When I was growing up, all my friends wanted to have sex with anything that moved. Why limit yourself, I told them.

Emo Phillips




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