Black Humor

 Page 12 of 41 (819 quotes in this category)
Fifty percent of all marriages end in divorce. But look at the bright side: the other 50 per centend in death.

Richard Jeni




My parents saw the president they loved get shot in the head. I saw my president get head.

Elon Gold




I choose to live forever, or die trying to.

CrabulaS




When life gives you lemons, make lemonade, pee in it, and serve it to the people that piss you off.

Deep Thoughts




I was shit scared of cyberspace, so I downloaded in my pants.

Stephen King's "Bag of bones"




The worst part of winning a rat race is not that you win, but the fact that you're still a rat.




Evil spelled backward is live




Sticks and Stones may break my bones, but so would an 80lbs. carrot.




Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day, teach a man to fish and he will spend all day in a boat drinking beer.




I loathe people who keep dogs. They are cowards who haven't got the guts to bite people themselves.




Jury: Twelve people who determine which client has the better lawyer.




"It is better to be pissed off than pissed on."




"Sometimes you are the dog and sometimes you are the hydrant."




When money talks, nodody pays any attention to the grammar.




Just when you think you've hit rock bottom, someone goes and throws you a shovel.




"It has been my experience that folks who have no vices have very few virtues."

Abraham Lincoln




The gene pool could use a little chlorine.




I smile because I don't know what's going on.




I love defenseless animals, especially in a good gravy.




The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.




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