Black Humor

 Page 15 of 41 (819 quotes in this category)
I was walking down the street when this man hammering on his roof called me a paranoid little freak... In morse code.

Emo Phillips




If you can read this, the bitch fell off.

Back of a motorcycle jacket




Rehab is for quitters.




The reason attempted suicide is illegal: The government can't tax you if you're dead.




If I wanted to listen to an asshole, I would have farted.

COOL!




History is merely one damn thing after another. Love, however, is two damn things after each other.

Unknown, quoted by a Harvard admissions guy




Guys are like parking lots, all the good ones are taken, and the rest are handicapped.

Unknown woman




Sex is like a bridge game, if you don't have a good partner you had better have a good hand.




Here's a toast -- To those who challenge us to mind games, but forget to bring their equipment!

Lou Crane




Stupidity killed the cat. Curiosity was framed.




I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't give a damn!




The best way of dealing with the insane is to pretend that you are sane

Hospital Charge Nurse




I remember reading that scientists once believed the universe was made of hydrogen, because it was the most plentiful ingredient found. If that theory holds any truth, then I believe it to be made of stupidity.

Frank Zappa




The good thing about Alzheimer is that you meet new people every day.

MAXIM magizine




When I'm done with you, you're gonna wish your daddy pulled out early.

Preacher (comic book)




If at first you don't succeed, fuck the world and smoke some weed.




Mean people suck,
Nice people swallow,
Stupid people choke,
And wierd people gargle.

N. S. Featherman




Love is like racing across the frozen tundra on a snowmobile which flips over, trapping you underneath. At night, the ice-weasels come.

Marc Maron




I don't drink to get happy or to forget the pain. I drink to stop the voices in my head. Do you know what's so bad about them, they stutter. Ddddddave... Kkkkkkikikill your papapapapaparents!!

Andrew Dice Clay




The world is nothing but a vast, concerted attempt to catch you with your pants down.

J.D. Smith




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