Black Humor

 Page 17 of 41 (819 quotes in this category)
A whole lot of people are really not good at anything.

George Carlin




Always borrow money from pessimists; they'll never expect it back




What color does a smurf turn when you strangle it?




Sex is one of the most beatiful, natural and wholesome things money can buy.

Graffiti




I spent most of my money one booze, drugs and women... The rest I wasted!

Jhon Laws




They say making love with me is like a roller coaster ride. Over far too quickly, and afterwards they wanna throw up.

Victor Lewis-Smith




In the land of the blind, the man with one eye will be stoned to death...




If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy all her friends?

COOL!




If the pen is mightier than the sword, and a picture is worth a thousand words, how dangerous is a fax?

Gregory Santo COOL!




[When asked how old he was] "Old enough to know better, but young enough to not give a damn anyway."

Jarvis Black




Whenever I get dumped (by a girlfriend), I nail the door shut so that no one can come inside, get a towel and clip it around my neck so it's like a Superman cape, take off my shoes so I can slide across the room, and... get a fake mic, like a celery stick or a pen, and I play any record that features the vocalist Ronnie James Dio. And you can just pretend you're Dio, because on every album he does, he has minimum one, usually three, "EVIL WOMAN LOOK OUT!" songs.

Henry Rollins




Nobody's perfect... well, there was this guy, but we killed him.

COOL!




Same shit, different smell

MAD Magazine




Please give me some money. I need it for drink, pot and a hooker. (Hey, at least i'm not bullshitting you)

Seen on a beggar's notice




Ask not what your country can do for you... go down the pub.




My biggest fear is that someone will make a TV movie of my life.

Tera Ellefson




Much can be accomplished with a smile. More can be accomplished with a smile and a gun.

Al Capone




Sex is like air, it isn't important unless you aren't getting any.




As you're reading what I've put,
You are pissing on your foot

Graffiti above a urinal




You know, putting up a tent is like making love to a beautiful woman. You undo the zip, pop in your pole, and slip into the old bag.

The Fast Show




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