Black Humor

 Page 2 of 41 (819 quotes in this category)
For three days after death, hair and fingernails continue to grow but phone calls taper off.

Johnny Carson




Somebody hits me, I'm going to hit him back. Even if it does look like he hasn't eaten in a while.

Charles Barkley, after blatantly elbowing
an Angolan basketball opponent
in the Olympics




I've always thought that the most extraordinary special effect you could do is to buy a child at the moment of its birth, sit it on a little chair and say, "You'll have three score years and ten," and take a photograph every minute. "And we'll watch you and photograph you for ten years after you die, then we'll run the film." Wouldn't that be extraordinary? We'd watch this thing get bigger and bigger, and flower to become extraordinary and beautiful, then watch it crumble, decay, and rot.

Clive Barker




...an animal loses not only its life but also its third dimension.

Roger M. Knutson, in "Flattened Fauna:
A Field Guide to Common Animals of
Roads, Streets,and Highways"




You can drop a mouse down a thousand-yard mine shaft and, on arriving at the bottom, it gets a slight shock and walks away. A rat would probably be killed, though it can fall safely from the eleventh story of a building, a man is broken, a horse splashes.

J. B. S. Haldane,
"On Being the Right Size"




The word good has many meanings. For example, if a man were to shoot his grandmother at a range of five hundred yards, I should call him a good shot, but not necessarily a good man

Chesterton




The quickest way to a man's heart is not through the stomach but through his chest, with an axe.




Death is God's way of telling you not to be such a wise guy.




The light at the end of the tunnel is the headlamp of an oncoming train.




100,000 lemmings can't be wrong.




A million flies can't be wrong - Eat shit.

Seen under it written in a different colour:

A billion humans can't be wrong - Don't eat shit

Library desk graffiti




Be creative, invent a perversion.




Blow your mind -- smoke gunpowder.




Dead people are cool.




Keep Sweden tidy, shoot a tourist.




Reality is an illusion caused by lack of alcohol.




Monday is a hard way to spend one-seventh of your life.




Never hit a man with glasses. Hit him with a baseball bat.




Eagles may soar, free and proud, but weasels never get sucked into jet engines.




My parents put us to sleep by tossing us up in the air. Of course, you have to have low ceilings for this method to work.




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