Black Humor

 Page 20 of 41 (819 quotes in this category)
I prefer to describe my profession as that of a "Contemporary Anthropological Interactive Observer" because it has just the right amount of flair. Besides, "stalker" is such an ugly word.




If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill herself, is it considered a hostage situation?




For Sale: One Parachute.
Used Once.
Never Opened.
Slightly Stained.




Roses are red
Violets are Blue
I'm a schizofrenic
and so am I

Brett Collson




If a big man with huge muscles kicks in your door and screams "Everyone get on the ground!!" you then have 3 options. Stand there frozen, get on the ground, or scream back at him; "Maybe next time when you break into my house, you can knock first! That way, I can put my pants on and wipe my ass!!"

JD Walnut (?)




I am Dislexic of Borg. Resistance is Futile. Prepare to have your ass laminated.

Chris




"If you're in a war, instead of throwing a hand grenade at the enemy, throw one of those small pumpkins. Maybe it'll make everyone think how stupid war is, and while they are thinking, you can throw a real grenade at them."

Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey




Warning: keep out of children.

Korean kitchen knife instructions




Not to be used for the other use.

Japanese food processor instructions




Learn from your parents' mistakes - use birth control!




Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off now.




How's life treating you, Norm?

Like it caught me sleeping with its wife.

Norm Peterson, "Cheers" COOL!




"Women. Can't live with 'em ... pass the beer nuts."

Norm Peterson, "Cheers"




The total of bad luck in the universe is a constant.

A friendly mail




Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.

COOL!




God gave man both a penis and a brain, unfortunately he didn't give enough blood supply to run to both at the same time.

Robin Williams




Memorize quotes. They're useful in ending and winning arguments. Then again, so are semi-automatic weapons.

Tony Detharidge




The world is nothing but a vast concerted attempt to catch you with your pants down!




If you love something, set if free. If it doesn't return, hunt it down and kill it.




Suicide is the most sincere form of self critisism




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