Black Humor

 Page 22 of 41 (819 quotes in this category)
You don't have to swim faster than the shark, just faster than the guy next to you.

P. Benchley




God is gonna kick your arse, you infidelic pagan scum!

Southpark christmas song




A lady came up to me on the street and pointed to my suede jacket. "You know a cow was murdered for that jacket?" she sneered. I replied in a psychotic tone, "I didn't know there were any witnesses. Now I'll have to kill you too."

Jake Johanson




Whoever said "all roads lead somewhere" has never been to Arizona.




You know the world is going to end when the best rapper is white and the best golfer is black.

The Tonight Show




Abandon all dope, ye who enter here!

Scrawled above the door of a Drug Rehab' project




The closest I got to a 4.0 at Harvard... was my blood alcohol level.




I you don't go to other peoples funerals, they won't go to yours.

Bob Monkhouse




God was my copilot until we crashed in the mountains and I had to eat him.

On button




"If you don't think sin is fun, you haven't been committing the right sins."

Rev. Billy Graham




When we remember that we are all mad, the mysteries disappear and life stands explained.

Mark Twain




I grew up to have my father's looks, my father's speech patterns, my father's posture, my father's opinions, and my mother's contempt for my father.

Jules Feiffer




If necessity is the mother of invention, then laziness must be the father.

Troy D. Bryan COOL!




There are no stupid questions, only stupid inspirational statements.

Heidi Dixon




Sex should be friendly. Otherwise stick to mechanical toys; it's more sanitary.

Lazarus Long, "Time Enough For Love" by Robert Heinlein




Get a shot off fast. This upsets him long enough to let you make your second shot perfect.

Lazarus Long, "Time Enough For Love" by Robert Heinlein




"Some people say I must be a horrible person. That's not true. I have the heart of a young boy. On my desk."

Stephen King




O.J. Simpson swears he is going to spend the rest of his life searching for the real killer. Apparently he thinks a caddy did it.

Dennis Miller




Abortion brings out the inner child in you.

Jeff Epperson




My idea of discipline is to inflict it on someone else.

Adell Shay, newspaper columnist




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