Black Humor

 Page 26 of 41 (819 quotes in this category)
"We are the people our parents warned us about."




I work very hard every day. Millions on welfare depend on me

Bumper sticker




Well, my English teacher was Japanese, my reading teacher told me to look it up, my coach was fat, and my shop teacher was missing fingers. What was the question - why do I hate the public school system?

Unknown




Two Rules of Success : 1) Don't tell everything you know.




"I have a genetic abnormality generally considered to be asscociated with high rates of certain socially abhorrent behaviors: I am male."

Article from Molecular Bio class




"Why do you make fun of Mexicans? It better not be because you think they have such a high rate of illegal immigrants.
I hate to break it to you but we didn't exactly enter this country lawfully. Your great-grandfather jumped off a boat and swam to the coast of Maine in the early 1900's.
Yes, thats right honey, we're illegal immigrants too."

My Mom




Too often we lose sight of life's simple pleasures. Remember, when someone annoys you, it takes 42 muscles to frown but it only takes 4 muscles to extend your arm and bitch-slap the mother f*cker in the head.




If it's called tourist season, why can't you shoot at them?




We were so exited to have touched by the finger of God. We just forgot to ask which finger.

Rising Stars (a comic book)




If you aren't living on the edge, you're taking up too much room.




What does Hannnibal Lector call prostitutes?
Whore-d'oeuvres!

The Jay Leno Show




Beauty is in the eye of the beholder, and in my eyes, you are one ugly motherf****r!

Josue Galdamez




Your dad wasted a good load on you.

Dan M.




No one is perfect, and I will be the first to admit that you aren't.




Remember, when life throws you lemons... genetically re-engineer the lemon tree to eliminate taste compatability issues, using the profits to increase personal gain and eventually dominate the citrus market.




Hey, wasn't the Bible written by the same people who said the world was flat?




For every winner, there are dozens of losers. Odds are you're one of them.




Give a man a fire and he's warm for a day, but set fire to him and he's warm for the rest of his life.

Terry Pratchett COOL!




Burial company slogan: "We're the last people to put you down."




I tried to see things from your point of view, but I couldn’t put my head that far up my ass.




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