Black Humor

 Page 27 of 42 (821 quotes in this category)
The most unfair thing about life is the way it ends. I mean, life is tough. It takes up a lot of your time. And then you die. What's that? A bonus? I think the life-cycle is all backwards. You should die first and get it all over with. Then you live in an old age home. You get kicked out when you're too young. You get a gold watch. You go to work. You work forty years until you're young enough to enjoy your retirement. You do drugs, alcohol and party. You get ready for high school. You go to grade school and become a kid. You play. You have no responsibilities. You become a little baby & go back into the womb. You spend your last nine months floating... Then, you finish off as an orgasm. I like it.

Andy Rooney




Pessimism is just an ugly word for pattern recognition.




"Tell a man there are 4 billion stars in the sky, and he'll believe you, but tell him the paint is wet, and he still has to touch it"




I'll try being nicer if you try being smarter.

Unknown




First, God created a man, then he had a better idea.

bumper sticker




I contemplated suicide. My main concern was that I would not make the New York Times obituary page.

Art Buchwald




Licking pussy is like playing with the mafia: one wrong move and your in deep shit.




What if the Hokey Pokey really is what it's all about?




The world would be a better place without me, and I simply will not allow that.




I've never gone to bed with an ugly woman, but I've sure woken up with a few.




Life is like a dick. When it get hard, fuck it!




Save a cow, eat a vegetarian

bumper sticker




Top 10 things men know about women.

1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
6.
7.
8.
9.
10. Women have boobs.

T-Shirt




If at first you don't succeed, cheat. Repeat until caught, and then lie.

My best friend's back pack




A really good quote will stick in your head like a dick in your ear.




I've learned that you cannot make someone love you. The best you can do is stalk them and hope they panic and give in.




One hand is away from the computer right now.

AIM away mesage




My view on chocolate: God's way of saying, "No hard feelings," to those of us who aren't getting any.




There are two things I cannot stand: racism and asians.

Dave Johnson




You know that your family is getting old when your grandma leeks more than your roof.




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