Black Humor

 Page 38 of 41 (819 quotes in this category)
If I was the head of a country that lost a war, and I had to sign a peace treaty, just as I was signing I'd glance over the treaty and then suddenly act surprised. 'Wait a minute! I thought WE won!'"

Jack Handey




And don't tell me God works in mysterious ways", Yossarian continued "There's nothing mysterious about it, He's not working at all. He's playing. Or else He's forgotten all about us. That's the kind of God you people talk about, a country bumpkin, a clumsy, bungling, brainless, conceited, uncouth hayseed. Good God, how much reverence can you have for a Supreme Being who finds it necessary to include such phenomena as phlegm and tooth decay in His divine system of Creation? What in the world was running through that warped, evil, scatalogical mind of His when He robbed old people of the power to control their bowel movements? Why in the world did He ever create pain?

Joseph Heller Catch 22




"Will fuck for beer"

T-shirt




My sexual preference is "often"

T-shirt




The death of a man is a tragedy, the death of millions only statistics

Stalin




I could have had a nice, easy life but no... your parents had to fuck....




Having Alzheimer's makes things simple at Easter. You can hide your own eggs.




Now, normally I don't mind vegetarians, but I really hate it when they get all superior and preachy about the evils of eating meat. Once I was on a date with this girl and she was a vegetarian, and she started on my about the steak I was eating. So I looked at her and said, "If you want to only eat vegetables, that's fine with me, but the way I see it, this cow used to be a vegetarian, and look how things turned out for him."

Harlan Williams




Just what is the "Baby On Board" sign for? Does it help us decide which car not to have an accident with?

Arkey Ardvaark




Do not trust hope, for hope is a liar.




I?d like to take advantage of this early opportunity to wish all of you an enjoyable Christmas season and a happy New Year filled with good fortune. Of course I realize this can?t happen for everyone. Some of you are going to die next year, and others will be crippled and maimed in accidents, perhaps even completely paralyzed. Still others will be stricken with diseases that can?t be cured, or will be horribly scarred in fires. And lets not forget the robberies and rapes ? there?ll be lots of them. Therefore many of you will not be able to enjoy the happy and fortunate New Year I?m wishing for you. So just try and do the best you can.

George Carlin




Only intelligent people experience depression, because who can really be happy fully comprehending the hate in the world?

Anonnymous




You can't run from death forever.... but you can make the bastard work for it.




Stop crying, its a waist of good suffering.

Hellraiser




Be nice to geeks when you're in school, you might end-up working for one when you grow-up.




I'm glad I'm rated People's sexiest man alive, because now I can masturbate over my own picture and not feel guilty.

Collin Farrell




Why is it that, as a culture, we are more comfortable seeing two men holding guns than holding hands?

Ernest Gaines




I have often wanted to drown my troubles, but I can't get my wife to go swimming.




The problem with planning against the Americans is that while you can read their manuals to see what they're going to do, the Americans don't read the manuals.

Soviet General




Life is all about ass; you're either covering it, laughing it off, kicking it, kissing it, busting it, trying to get a piece of it, or behaving like one.

Stephen Jolly




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