Black Humor

 Page 40 of 41 (819 quotes in this category)
"Married men live longer. Yes. And an indoor cat also lives longer. It's a furball with a broken spirit, that can only look out on a world it can never enjoy. But it does technically live longer."

Bill Maher




"In life, sometimes there's not a right answer... but there's an infinate number of wrong answers, if that makes you feel any better."

Math Class




Your kids are why I'm pro choice

Tony D'Agostino




I would have told her then she was the only thing that I could love in this dying world but the simple word "love" itself already died and went away.

Marilyn Manson




As long as your here, Im not.




From time to time, I like to cook dinner, to see how easy a woman has it.




Most people think life sucks, and then you die. Not me. I beg to differ. I think life sucks, then you get cancer, then your dog dies, your wife leaves you, the cancer goes into remission, you get a new dog, you get remarried, you owe ten million dollars in medical bills but you work hard for thirty-five years and you pay it back and then -- one day -- you have a massive stroke, your whole right side is paralyzed, you have to limp along the streets and speak out of the left side of your mouth and drool but you go into rehabilitation and regain the power to walk and the power to talk and then -- one day -- you step off a curb at Sixty-seventh Street, and BANG you get hit by a city bus and then you die. Maybe.

Denis Leary




"Don't you know there ain't no devil. That's just God when he's drunk."

Tom Waits




"Call this an unfair generalization if you must, but old people are no good at everything."

Moe, The Simpsons




I promise to care in my next life. Luckily I don't believe in reincarnation.




Second place is the first loser.




"I founded him! I got Jesus in the Trunk."

George Carlin's Famous Bumper Stickers Jokes




Some people are like slinkies. Not really good for anything, but they still bring a smile to your face when you push them down a flight of stairs...




I don't belive in staying a step ahead. ONE step is enough for someone to kick your ass. I like to keep myself a nice distance of five steps. That way if I hear anyone behind me I can turn around and stab the motherfucker.

Charles Marshall




They say money doesnt buy happiness. I wouldn't know. I dont have any money. But one thing I have learned is this: Poverty doesn't buy happiness.




I'm sorry if any of you are Catholic. I'm not sorry if you're offended, I'm actually just sorry about the fact that you're Catholic.

Bill Hicks




Champagne for my real friends and real pain for my sham friends.

Tom Waits




Don't worry about what people think, they don't do it very often.

Jacqueline Delisle




I've never heard such corny lyrics, such simpering sentimentality, such repetitious uninspired melody. Man, we've got a hit on our hands.

Brad Anderson




Women are like parking spaces. Sometimes, all the good ones are taken, so when no one's looking, you have to stick it into a handicaped one.

Joshua Scriver




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