Black Humor

 Page 6 of 41 (819 quotes in this category)
"You know the oxygen masks on airplanes ? I don't think there's really any oxygen. I think they're just to muffle the screams."

Rita Rudner




"The power of accurate observation is commonly called cynicism by those who have not got it."

George Bernard Shaw




I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, "I'm going to mop the floor with your face."

I said, "You'll be sorry."

He said, "Oh, yeah? Why?"

I said, "Well, you won't be able to get into the corners very well."

Emo Philips




One student fell into a cycle of classes, studying, working and sleeping. Didn't realize how long he had neglected writing home until he received the following note: "Dear Son, Your mother and I enjoyed your last letter. Of course, we were much younger then, and more impressionable. Love, Dad."




"The brakes were useless, the car was wandering. The rear end was coming around. I jammed it down into Low, but it made no difference so I straightened it out and braced for a serious impact, a crash that would probably kill me.

"My heart was full of joy as I took the first hit, which was oddly soft and painless. No real shock at all...

Yes. These huge white lumps were not boulders. They were sheep."

Hunter S. Thompson




Warning: Do not drink the battery acid. It doesn't taste good and will hurt you. Also do not bite the tyres, especially while the bike is moving.

Our lawyers made us put these warnings in.

An Australian motorcycle manual




A lot of people I know believe in positive thinking, and so do I. I believe everything positively stinks.

Lew Col




All this wheeling and dealing around, why, it isn't for money, it's for fun. Money's just the way we keep score.




When you are in it up to your ears, keep your mouth shut.




"You are a fluke of the universe... You have no right to be here. Whether you can hear it or not, the universe is laughing behind your back."

National Lampoon, "Deteriorata"




"If we do happen to step on a mine, Sir, what do we do?"

"Normal procedure, Lieutenant, is to jump 200 feet in the air and scatter oneself over a wide area."

Somewhere in No Man's Land, BA4




Life is a sexually transmitted disease, and it's 100% fatal.




Why keep sane in a sick world?

Graffiti, Näckströmsgatan, Stockholm




Mankind faces a crossroads. One path leads to despair and utter hopelessness, the other to extinction. Let us pray we choose correctly.

Woody Allen




"The world looks as if it has been left in the custody of trolls."

Father Robert F Capon




"That's the remarkable thing about life. No matter how bad it gets it can always get worse."

Calvin




Smokers are like ordinary people, just not as long.

Graffiti




"Son, I just want you to know: life is a black, sucking, vortex of anguish and dispair, filled with brief moments of false hope and empty joy, all the while dragging you inevitably closer to final, absolute, and eternal death."

"thanks dad.."




"...A life that is clean, a heart that is true, And doing your best, that's success."

Clifford Olson, semifinalist in
the 1995 North American Open Poetry Contest.
Disqualified upon finding that in 1982 he was
convicted of killing eleven chidren.




"Don't close your eyes for the crash; you'll miss the best part"

Bruce MacInnes, Skip Barber
Driving School instructor




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