Computer

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If the automobile had followed the same development cycle as the computer, a Rolls-Royce would today cost $100, get a million miles per gallon, and explode once a year, killing everyone inside.

Robert X. Cringely, InfoWorld




I found this in an electronic commerce software example products file (Goldpaint):

[Pocket Lawyer]
[stuffed person]
[What a unique gift for your favorite lawyer or friends who needs one! Just squeeze him and hear legal phrases like, "My client is innocent", "This is an outrage", "I'll see you in court", and "Pay up you dead beat." He carries a briefcase and is dressed in a gray suit, white shirt and striped tie. He measures 7" tall and comes with a life-time battery included. Our pocket lawyer -- don't go to court without him.]




"Even though Mac Users may be only 10% of the market, always remember that we are the TOP 10%"

Douglas Adams




Less than 1% of the world population has access to internet; 50% never touched a telephone

Computerworld, 10 june 1996




UNIX is an operating system, OS/2 is half an operating system, Windows is a shell, and DOS is a boot partition virus.

Peter H. Coffin




"The more you play with us, the bigger we get"

Bethesda Softworks official slogan (makes computer games)




"You haven't lived until you've died in a MUD!"




  • Store your CDs in their protective case.
  • Handle your CDs by the edges. Avoid smudging or scratching the surface.
  • Do not leave your CDs in direct sunlight or near a radiator or other heat source.
  • Do not bend your CDs.
  • Do not dip your CDs into sulfuric acid.
  • Do not drill holes in your CDs, or pound them with heavy sledge hammers.
  • Do not put your CDs in the washing machine -- but if you insist on doing so, please use the cycle for delicate fabrics.

From the Manual to The Space Bar (by legend Steve Meretzky)




Imagine if every Thursday your shoes exploded if you tied them the usual way. This happens to us all the time with computers, and nobody thinks of complaining.

Jeff Raskin




A human never stands so tall as when stooping to help a small computer.

Infocom motto




UNIX is the answer, but only if you phrase the question very carefully




Windows 95:
32-bit extensions and a graphical shell for a 16-bit patch to an 8-bit operating system originally coded for a 4-bit microprocessor, written by a 2-bit company that can't stand for 1 bit of competition.




A few of the events at the DEF CON V hacker convention 1997:
  • Hacker jeopardy
  • Free beer
  • The TCP/IP drinking game
  • Radio burst cannon demonstration
    and the famous
  • 5th annual spot the fed contest




Interesting things that you learn about computers in movies:
  • Word processors never display a cursor.
  • You never have to use the spacebar when typing long sentences.
  • All monitors display 2 inch high letters.
  • High-tech computers, such as those used by NASA, the CIA, or some such governmental institution, have easy-to-understand graphical interfaces.
  • Those that don't will have incredibly powerful text-based command shells that can correctly understand and execute commands typed in plain English.
  • Corollary: You can gain access to any information you want by simply typing "ACCESS ALL OF THE SECRET FILES" on any keyboard.
  • Likewise, you can infect a computer with a destructive virus by simply typing "UPLOAD VIRUS."
  • Powerful computers beep whenever you press a key or whenever the screen changes. Some computers also slow down the output on the screen so that it doesn't go faster than you can read. The *really* advanced ones also emulate the sound of a dot-matrix printer as the characters come across the screen.
  • People typing away on a computer will turn it off without saving the data.
  • A hacker can get into the most sensitive computer in the world before intermission and guess the secret password in two tries.
  • If you display a file on the screen and someone deletes the file, it also disappears from the screen.
  • Whenever a character looks at a VDU, the image is so bright that it projects itself onto his/her face.




"First we thought the PC was a calculator. Then we found out how to turn numbers into letters with ASCII -- and we thought it was a typewriter. Then we discovered graphics, and we thought it was a television. With the World Wide Web, we've realized it's a brochure."

Douglas Adams




The future masters of technology will have to be lighthearted and intelligent.
The machine easily masters the grim and the dumb.

Marshall McLuhan, 1969




You know you're an email-junkie when...
  • You wake up at 3 a.m. to go to the bathroom and stop to check your e-mail on the way back to bed.
  • You turn off your modem and get this awful empty feeling, like you just pulled the plug on a loved one.
  • You start using smileys in your snail mail.
  • You check your mail. It says "no new messages." So you check it again.




Java technology is not fault tolerant and is not designed, manufactured, or intended for use or resale as online control equipment in hazardous environments [...] in which the failure of Java technology could lead directly to death, personal injury, or severe physical or environmental damage.

Microsoft IIS license




Have you crashed your Windows today?




WindowError:001 Windows loaded. System in danger.

WindowError:004 Erronious error. Nothing wrong.

WindowError:009 Horrible bug encounterd. God knows what has happened.

WindowError:00C Memory hog error. More ram needed. More! More!

WindowError:00F Unexplaind error. Please tell us how it happened.

WindowError:010 Reserved for future mistakes

WindowError:014 Nonexisent error. This cannot really be happening.

WindowError:01B Illegal error. Do not get this error.

WindowError056: Operator fell asleep while waiting.




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