Laughs

 Page 15 of 94 (1879 quotes in this category)
Did you hear about the dyslexic, agnostic insomniac who stays up all night wondering if there really is a Dog?




Sex is Evil,
Sex is Sin,
Sins are forgiven,
So Let's Begin!




Go hang a salami! I'm a lasagna hog.

Palindrome (read it backwards :)




Time is what keeps things from happening all at once.




Women who seek to be equal with men lack ambition.




We have enough youth, how about a fountain of "smart."




Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.




"Suture Self Magazine", the home guide to personal surgery.




What happens if you get scared half to death... twice?




I bought a package of batteries, but they weren't included... so I had to buy them again.




Maybe there is no actual place called hell. Maybe hell is just having to listen to our grandparents breathe through their noses when they're eating sandwiches.

Jim Carrey




I had a linguistics professor who said that it's man's ability to use language that makes him the dominant species on the planet. That may be. But I think there's one other thing that separates us from animals. We aren't afraid of vaccuum cleaners.

Jeff Stilson




I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three.

Elayne Boosler




Did you ever walk in a room and forget why you walked in? I think that's how dogs spend their lives.

Sue Murphy




The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they are okay, then it's you.

Rita Mae Brown




I can't listen to that much Wagner. I start getting the urge to conquer Poland.

Manhattan Murder Mystery




The last time I was inside a woman was when I went to the Statue of Liberty.

Crimes and Misdemeanors




If a tree falls in the forest, and no one's around to hear it, and it falls on a mime, does anyone care?

The Far Side - Gary Larson




There are two perfectly good men, one unborn, and the other dead.

Stacy Cauller




I like my sugar with coffee and cream

Beastie Boys




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