Laughs

 Page 20 of 93 (1860 quotes in this category)
There is no sign of a fever, but her husband has stated she was very hot in bed last night.

Actual Docter's Note




Have I gained a loss, or merely lost again?

Adam Burke




When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ballpoint pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat the problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion to develop a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to 300 C.

The Russians used a pencil.




I'm half Scottish and half Jewish, so don't ask me for money.

David Duchovny




Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get.

Homer Simpson




Life is a waste of time and time is a waste of life, so waste your time and have the time of your life!




Sanity is the playground for the unimaginative.




Your school GPA is inversely proportionate to your girlfriend's looks and vise versa.

Science College Professor




I don't let facts cloud my opions.

Woodrow Wilson




Sex is like math: add the bed, subtract the clothes, divide the legs, and hope you don't multiply.




Why was 6 afraid of 7? Because 7,8,9.




I refuse to join any club that would have me for a member.

Groucho Marx




Panties aren't a mans best friend, but they are next to it.

Jerry "The King" Lawler




I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it.

Mark Twain




Most people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them.

Andrew J Smith




Dehydrated H2O: just add water.




Unite against togetherness!




Why do they sterilize needles for lethal injections?

Nick Featherman




Why do kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

Nick Featherman




Why are there flotation devices under seats in airplanes instead of parachutes?

Nick Featherman




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