Laughs

 Page 26 of 94 (1879 quotes in this category)
Some say the glass is half full, some say the glass is half empty. I say "Are you gonna drink that?"




This past week disco has come back to haunt me. I think the aliens are pissed off again.

Fidler




I imagine a world of love, peace, and no wars. Then I imagine myself attacking that place because they would never expect it!

Tracy Irey




I'm more drunk than a three-legged chicken on a wet patch of ice!

M. Weaver, 1998 in the middle of a three day binge




Dont steal, the government hates competition.

A bumper sticker




All employees: Please piss on your hands before returning to work; the water here is filthy.

Bathroom wall




A handy telephone tip: Keep a small chalkboard near the phone. That way, when a salesman calls, you can hold the receiver up to it and run your fingernails across it until he hangs up.




The way into a woman's soul is through her eyes and the way into her heart is through her mind.

The way into a man's soul is through his mouth, and the way into his heart is through his pants.

Katie Santo




Nobody has figured out the meanig of life, yet almost everyone knows how to make pudding... I don't get it.




Cover your stump before you hump.




You can't leave footprints in the sands of time if you're sitting on your butt. And who wants to leave buttprints in the sands of time?

COOL!




Satan is a dork.

Tom Wright




You laugh at me because I'm different. I laugh because you are all the same!

Daniel Knode




It's not cheating unless you get caught.




Anything that is too stupid to be spoken is sung.

Voltaire (and how right he still is)




Even hot girls have to fart.

Dana Eldon




If women ran the world we wouldn't have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days.

Robin Williams




Show me a man with his feet planted firmly on the ground and I'll show you a man who can't put his pants on.




Today in my World History class, a student said, "Well, we thought that by mentioning the East Indies, you meant the British East India Company". To which the Teacher promptly replied "Ah, so you were mislead by stupidity".

Mr Handler




I've had a wonderfull evening, but this wasn't it.

Groucho Marx




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