Laughs

 Page 36 of 93 (1860 quotes in this category)
Carpe Diem: Seize the day
Carp e denim: Theres a fish in my pants




Happiness is like pissing your pants. Everyone can see it but only you can feel its warmth.

Daniel White COOL!




Television - a medium. So called because it is neither rare nor well-done.

Ernie Kovacs




Man invented language to satisfy his deep need to complain.

Lily Tomlin




The odds of the planet Earth being in decent, liveable shape in the year 3000 are inversely related to the odds that humanity will survive that long.

Noel Thompson




I hope life isn't a big joke, because I don't get it.




Flush twice.... It's a long way back to the tap.

Bathroom Graffiti




You said that you couldnt stand to see my heart broken, so when you broke it, did you close your eyes?

Jackie Sheehan




"I don't break the rules. I merely test their elasticity."

Bill Veck




In certain circumstances, desperate circumstances, urgent circumstances, profanity provides a relief denied even to prayer.

Mark Twain




History is the sum total of all things that could have been avoided.

Konrad Adenauer




History: An account mostly false, of events, unimportant, which are brought about by rulers, mostly knaves, and soldiers, mostly fools.

Ambrose Bierce




The only way I'm meeting the girl of my dreams tonight is if I go to sleep.

Adam Duritz




My doctor told me not to drink any more, so I don't. I don't drink any less, but I don't drink any more.




He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts — for support rather than illumination.

Andrew Lang




During my service in the United States Congress, I took the initiative in creating the Internet.

Al Gore




JESUS LOVES YOU!
...but then again, so does Barney.

Bathroom Graffiti




When all else fails, make fun of Donny Osmond.

Jon Stewart




We have reason to believe that man first walked upright to free his hands for masturbation.

Lily Tomlin




I drink to make other people appear more intelligent... I drink a lot.




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