Cool Quotes Collection

Laughs

Page 39 of 93 (1860 quotes in this category)

"I am so smart, I am so smart, s-m-r-t....I mean s-m-A-r-t."

Homer Simpson

"Just because I don't care doesn't mean I don't understand!"

Homer Simpson

"It's not easy to juggle a pregnant wife and a troubled child, but somehow I managed to fit in eight hours of TV a day."

Homer Simpson

"I'm glad you asked, son. Being popular is the most important thing in the world."

Homer Simpson

"If you really want something in this life, you have to work for it - Now quiet, they're about to announce the lottery numbers!"

Homer Simpson

"What's the point of going out, we're just going to end up back here anyway?"

Homer Simpson

"I think the saddest day of my life was when I realized I could beat my Dad at most things, and Bart experienced that at the age of four."

Homer Simpson

"Bart, with $10,000, we'd be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like...love!"

Homer Simpson

"I won't sleep in the same bed with a woman who thinks I'm lazy! I'm going right downstairs, unfold the couch, unroll the sleeping ba- uh, goodnight."

Homer Simpson

Ok, son. Just remember to have fun out there today, and if you lose, I'LL KILL YOU!

Homer Simpson COOL!

"Ah, beer, my one weakness. My achille's heel, if you will."

Homer Simpson

"Stealing! How could you?! Haven't you learned anything from that guy who gives those sermons at church? Captain Whats-his-name?"

Homer Simpson

"You know those balls that they put on car antennas so you can find them in the parking lot? Those should be on EVERY CAR!"

Homer Simpson

"No matter how good you are at something, there's always about a million people better than you."

Homer Simpson

"If something goes wrong at the plant, blame the guy who can't speak English."

Homer Simpson

"Marge, I'm going to miss you so much. And it's not just the sex. It's also the food preparation."

Homer Simpson

"Now, son, you don't want to drink beer. That's for daddies and kids with fake IDs."

Homer Simpson

I used to be undecided, but now I'm not so sure.

Roscoe Pertwee

How to speak about men and be Politically Correct:

He does not have a BEER GUT - He has developed a LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY
He is not a BAD DANCER - He is OVERLY CAUCASIAN
He does not GET LOST ALL THE TIME - He INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS
He is not a CRADLE ROBBER - He prefers GENERATIONALLY DIFFERENTIAL RELATIONSHIPS
He does not get FALLING-DOWN DRUNK - He becomes ACCIDENTALLY HORIZONTAL
He does not act like a TOTAL ASS - He develops a case of RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION
He is not a SEX MACHINE - He is ROMANTICALLY AUTOMATED
He is not a MALE CHAUVINIST PIG - He has SWINE EMPATHY
He is not afraid of COMMITMENT - He is MONOGAMOUSLY CHALLENGED
He does not UNDRESS YOU WITH HIS EYES - He has INTROSPECTIVE GRAPHIC VISION

How to speak about women and be Politically Correct:

She is not a BABE or a CHICK - She is a BREASTED AMERICAN.
She is not a SCREAMER or MOANER - She is VOCALLY APPRECIATIVE.
She is not EASY - She is HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE.
She does not TEASE or FLIRT - She engages in ARTIFICIAL STIMULATION.
She is not DUMB - She is a DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY.
She has not BEEN AROUND - She is a PREVIOUSLY ENJOYED COMPANION
She is not an AIRHEAD - She is REALITY IMPAIRED.
She does not get DRUNK or TIPSY - She gets CHEMICALLY INCONVENIENCED.
She is not HORNY - She is SEXUALLY FOCUSED.
She does not have BREAST IMPLANTS - She is MEDICALLY ENHANCED.
She does not NAG YOU - She becomes VERBALLY REPETITIVE
She is not a SLUT - She is SEXUALLY EXTROVERTED.
She does not have MAJOR LEAGUE HOOTERS - She is PECTORALLY SUPERIOR.
She is not a TWO BIT WHORE - She is a LOW COST PROVIDER.

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