Laughs

 Page 44 of 94 (1879 quotes in this category)
I own a map of the United States, its actual size. When somebody asks me where I live, I say:"E-5"

Steven Wright




The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.




Honesty is the key to a relationship. If you can fake that, you're in.

Courtney Cox (Monica in 'Friends')




God put me on earth to do a certain number of things. Right now I'm so far behind I'll never die.

Calvin and Hobbes




I think, therefore I'm single.




The Man. (Arrow pointing up)
The Legend (Arrow pointing down)

Shirt in a storefront window




Love is a sensation that starts by the temptation, a guy sticks his location in a girl's destination to populate the next generation. Do you get the explanation?Or do you need a demonstration?




Republicans....
Democrats....
Same shit, different piles...

Bathroom Wall - Lilly's Pizza Ral, NC




Hey baby you want to come to my house to work on your math skills? We can add the bed, subtract the clothes, divide the legs and multiply.

Bad Pickup lines




Be nice to your children. For they will be choosing your nursing home someday.

bumper sticker




Knowledge pursues me, but I am faster.

Vienna tram graffiti




Don't knock masturbation -- it's sex with someone I love!

Woody Allen




I would never belong to a club that would have me as a member.

Groucho Marx




I told my psychiatrist that everyone hated me. He told me I was being ridiculous. Everyone hadn't met me yet.




You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 today and we don't know where the hell she is.




First you forget names, then you forget faces. Next you forget to pull your zipper up and finally, you forget to pull it down.

M. Burns




We had gay burglars the other night. They broke in and rearranged the furniture.

Robin Williams




I played a lot of tough clubs in my time. Once a guy in one of those clubs wanted to bet me $10 that I was dead. I was afraid to bet.

Henry Youngman




I'm so unlucky! I'm so unlucky that if I were to fall into a vat of tits I'd come out sucking my thumb!




You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said "Parking Fine."




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