Laughs

 Page 46 of 94 (1879 quotes in this category)
When you see someone you haven't seen for ages, try this: say, "Hey, you've lost weight, haven't you? Turn around," and when they turn around say, "Oh no. There it is."




If you are what you eat, then I'm fast, cheap and easy!

Bumper sticker




When you do something right, no one remembers. When you do something wrong, no one forgets!




Education: the path from cocky ignorance to miserable uncertainty

Mark Twain




Trebek: None of you can guess whether the HOT tea is hot or cold? Thank god Keannu Reeves...
Reeves: Is it iced tea?
Trebek: NO! Its HOT tea!!
Reeves: Well then I have no idea...

SNL Celebrity Jeopardy




Passwords are like underwear: change them often.

Seen on a computer lab wall




Sean Connery: "It looks like this is my lucky day. I'll take "the rapists" for 200!"
Trebek: "That's 'therapists,' not 'the rapists'

SNL Celebrity Jeopardy




Work is the curse of the drinking classes.




Don't drink and drive. You might spill your beer.




Save water, drink beer.




Sex is like math: add the bed, minus the clothes, divide the legs and pray to god you don't multiply.




Mean people suck, nice people swallow.

Some shot glass




Oh there are lots of healthy things you can do with your hands.

Mr. Rogers




Top 10 Ways to Make School More Interesting For Teenagers
10. In Biology class, dissect the least popular student.
9. Automatic "A" in Spanish if you've ever eaten at Taco Bell.
8. Everyday at 2 PM: schoolwide booty call 7. Instead of "Father of Our Country," refer to Washington as the "Puff Daddy of Our Country.
6. When handing out condoms, throw in a free motel room.
5. Give 10 points extra credit for each body piercing.
4. New curriculum: reading, writing, and wrecking stuff.
3. Simplify geography to "America" and "them foreign bastards".
2. Sex ed. includes weekly field trip to Hooters.
1. Fail a test, win a dirt bike.

David Letterman




A lot of other bands had more fun than us, but of course they sucked.

Billy Corgan, The Smashing Pumpkins




If all else fails, lower your standards.

Bumper Sticker




God bless the dumbasses because they'll be working for you someday.




Next time wave all your fingers at me!

Bumper sticker in New York




'Tis far better to be pissed off, than to be pissed on.

Someone's mother




So I said if this is the House of Pancakes, how come I can't eat the walls?

Homer Simpson




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