Laughs

 Page 53 of 94 (1879 quotes in this category)
Q: How do you keep an asshole in suspense?
A: I won't tell you.

On a greeting card




Giving up smoking is the easiest thing in the world. I know because I've done it thousands of times.

Mark Twain




Boy , Moe, that team sure sucked last night. They just plain sucked! I've seen teams suck before, but they were the suckiest bunch of sucks that ever sucked.

Homer, The Simpsons




Only in America can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.




Cancel my subscription because I don't need your issues.

T-shirt




Ha ha! Look at this country! ? U R Gay!? Ha ha!" (looking at Uruguay on the globe).

Homer, The Simpsons




I like my beer cold?my TV loud?and my homosexuals flaming.

Homer, The Simpsons




English - Who needs that? I'm never going to England!

Homer, The Simpsons




Don't breed them if you can't feed them

Bumper Sticker




I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather, not like the people screaming in his car.




Sean Connery: "Alright Trebek, I'll take The Rapist for $200."
Trebek: "That's Therapist, Connery."
Connery: "I'll play this little game, you rogue!"

SNL Celebrity Jeopardy




Q. How do you make black blacker?

A. Add er.




(Written on the wall directly ahead) Look Left
(Written on the left wall) Look Right
(Written on the right wall) Look Left

Bathroom Graffiti




Why is lemonade made with artificial flavor, while cleaning fluid is made with real lemons?




Grammar is not a time of waste!

The Simpsons, written on blackboard at the start




It takes a lot of money to look this cheap.

Dolly Parton




Words. Nothing but sweet, sweet words that turn into bitter orange wax in my ears

Fry, Futurama




Q: Whats long, hard and full of seamen?

A: A submarine




The good thing about Alzheimer is that you meet new people everyday.




When Sting retires, will he change his name to Stung?

Whose Line Is It Anyway




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