Laughs

 Page 68 of 93 (1860 quotes in this category)
They speak of my drinking but they never consider my thirst.

T-shirt




Question: If you could live forever, would you and why?

Answer: I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever.

Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss Universe contest




I would never do crack. I would never do a drug named after a part of my own ass, okay?

Denis Leary




History shall be kind to me, for I intend to write it.

Winston Churchill




A girl's legs are her best friends, but all best friends must part eventually.




Welcome to the holy church of cabbage; lettuce pray.




Economics is extremely useful as a form of employment for economists.

John Kenneth Galbraith




Only in American banks can you find the pens chained to the counter and the doors wide open.

Branden Kerr




Homework can not be used as a justification for terrorism.

History Teacher




Burns: Get off my property...or!
Homer: Or you'll release the dogs or the bee's? Or the dogs with bee's in their mouths and when they bark bee's come out?

The Simpsons




Heh, heh, heh! Lisa! Vampires are make believe... like elves, gremlins and Eskimos.

Homer Simpson, The Simpsons




Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, 'Where have I gone wrong?' Then a voice says to me, 'This is going to take more than one night.'

Charlie Brown




You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said, "Parking Fine."

Tommy Cooper




I think we should take Iraq and Iran and combine them into one country and call it Irate. All the pissed off people live in one place and get it over with.

Denis Leary




I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time". So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.

Steven Wright




Some people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.

Steven Wright




I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues that are in all the other museums.

Steven Wright




Why don't they pass a constitutional amendment prohibiting anybody from learning anything? If it works as well as prohibition did, in five years we would be the smartest race of people on Earth.

Will Rogers




A critic is like an eunuch, they know how to do it but they can't.




As a teenager it's important to know how to dress, how to act and how to talk. Just follow this simple rule: if adults hate it, you're on to something good!

Stan Allen




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