Laughs

 Page 83 of 94 (1879 quotes in this category)
A woman has a close male friend. This means that he is probably interested in her, which is why he hangs around so much. She sees him strictly as a friend. This always starts out with, you're a great guy, but I don't like you in that way. This is roughly the equivalent for the guy of going to a job interview and the company saying, You have a great resume, you have all the qualifications we are looking for, but we're not going to hire you. We will, however, use your resume as the basis for comparison for all other applicants. But, we're going to hire somebody who is far less qualified and is probably an alcoholic. And if he doesn't work out, we'll hire somebody else, but still not you. In fact, we will never hire you. But we will call you from time to time to complain about the person that we hired.

Anonymous




An Eskimo man awoke one day with the urge to go hunting for seal. After he had prepared his gear for his journey, he set out over the frozen ice to his favourite hunting spot. About halfway there, his snowmobile started to run badly and make grinding noises. So the hunter decided to turn around and head back to his village. And, in fact, just as he pulled up to the local mechanic, his snowmobile died. He went inside and spoke with the mechanic, who agreed to take a look and see what the problem was. The mechanic followed the Eskimo outside to the snowmobile, raised the hood and began to examine the engine. After a few minutes, the mechanic looked up at the hunter and said, ?I think that you've blown a seal.? No,? answered the hunter, ?those are just icicles on my moustache.?




Are you quite sure you went out with her last night? Where was your hand when you woke up?




Kissing is a habit. Fucking is a game. Guys get all the pleasure, chicks get all the pain. The guy says he loves you, you believe that it is true, but when your tummy starts to swell, he says to hell with you. 10 minutes of pleasure, 9 months of pain, 3 days in a hospital, a baby without a name. The baby is a barsted, the mother is a whore. This wouldn't have happend, if the rubber hadn't torn.




It takes only one drink to get me drunk. The trouble is, I can't remember if it's the thirteenth or the fourteenth.

George F. Burns




Horse power is how hard you hit the wall. Torque is how far you drag it behind you.

Alternate Physics




If TV is so bad for you, then why do they have them in every hospital bedroom?

S. Mueller




Women are meant to be loved, not to be understood.

Oscar Wilde




You want to know the best part about childhood? At some point, it stops.

Malcolm in the Middle




Fate is what you call it when you don't know the name of the person screwing you over.

Malcolm in the Middle




If you're one in a million there are ten of you in New York.

bumper sticker




If Dracula can't see his reflection in a mirror, how come his hair is always so neatly combed?

Steven Wright




You should stay away from your potential, you know. It's alot like your bank balance - you always have alot less than you think

Dylan Moran




I think vegetarians have it all wrong, whats this about being kind to animals, and then stealing their food behind their backs so they can starve to death...




I don't lie... I just create the truth.




If football were any easier it would be cheerleading, If cheerleading were any smarter it would be band.




"You know, I telephoned my grandparents the other day, and my grandfather said to me, 'We saw your movie.' 'Which one?' I said, and he shouted, 'Betty, what was the name of that movie I didn't like?' I thought that was just classic. I mean, if that doesn't keep your feet on the ground, what would?"

Brad Pitt




"Never wrestle with a pig, you get dirty; and esides, the pig likes it."

George Bernard Shaw




It was when I found out I could make mistakes that I knew I was on to something.

Ornette Coleman




Weaseling out of things is important to learn. It's what separates us from the animals... except the weasel.

Homer Simpson




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