Laughs

 Page 84 of 93 (1860 quotes in this category)
Drugs are the road to nowhere. But at least it's the scenic route.




You don't need to think, the government will do it for you.

Danielle Stein




The only gossip I'm interested in is things from the Weekly World News - 'Woman's bra bursts, 11 injured'. That kind of thing.

Johnny Depp




"The term 'serious actor' is kind of an oxymoron, isn't it? [Like] 'Republican party' [or] 'airplane food.'"

Johnny Depp




If you were waiting for the opportune moment, that was it.

Pirates of the Caribbean, Jack Sparrow




Only in America do we have a general in charge of the post office and a secretary in charge of defense.

Anonymous




The only way to get rid of temptation, is to give in to it.

Oscar Wilde




My Karma ran over my Dogma.




Tact is the ability to tell someone to go to hell, and still have them look forward to the trip.




Some people drink from the fountain of knowledge. Others just gurgle.




My significant other right now is myself, which is what happens when you suffer from multiple personality disorder and self-obsession.

Joaquin Phoenix




Avoid employing unlucky people - throw half of the pile of CVs in the bin without reading them.




I am beginning to know what it feels like to be a woman. To have people looking at you all the time. And I'm sorry ladies, I had no idea! But people are looking at me all the time. It's like I have musical boobies!

John Mayer




[crowd cheers] That was a good response and I'm not going to ask you to do it again. There's nothing I hate more than going to a concert and the guy says 'You having a good time?' and you scream your head off and then the guy says 'I can't hear you!' and I'm like 'The fuck you can't!' I absolutely hate it when guys do that. So I promise you I'll never make you do that. If you scream respectably the first time anyway.

John Mayer




I've realized you can use a fork as a spoon if you use it rapidly enough.

John Mayer




High school is like a spork: its a crappy spoon AND a crappy fork, so in the end, its just plain useless.

John Mayer




Love is a hot shower where your skin never prunes.

John Mayer




I'm not really good at keeping my own secrets. I can keep other people's secrets pretty well. Unless they're really good and people deserve to hear them. And I'll disseminate the information accordingly.

John Mayer




Connery: I have a riddle for you, a connundrum if you will.... What's the difference between YOU and a mallard with a cold? One of you is a sick duck and the other sucks... Well, I can't remember the rest of it, but your mother's a whore, Trebeck

Celebrity Jeopardy




The difference between genius and stupidity is that genius has its limits.

Albert Einstien




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